{90689}{90823}China is now outsourcing many|American products as we speak.
{90826}{90886}You send us your cat food,|we send it back to you...
{90889}{90960}sorry about kitty.
{90963}{91048}We make your toys.|Oh, Timmy can't take lead?
{91052}{91143}How sad for him.
{91147}{91247}And now Chinese families|are adopting American lesbians.
{91250}{91350}Payback is a bitch.|Now...
{91354}{91439}China makes|a lot of money off us.
{91443}{91491}But we're gonna get|some money back soon
{91494}{91584}Because they're gonna open|a Disneyland in Shanghai.
{91587}{91717}It'll be cool. It'll have|characters like Mickey Mao.
{91720}{91811}There'll be|duck xiaoping.
{91814}{91885}You go down main street...|There'll be 12 Donald Ducks
{91888}{91972}Hanging upside down in the|market. That'll be cool.
{91975}{92050}And there'll be the village|people's republic going,
{92053}{92126}♪ young Mao,|there's a place you can go ♪
{92129}{92228}♪ I say, young Mao. ♪
{92285}{92381}And before the Olympics
{92385}{92466}The Tibetans were demonstrating|against the Chinese.
{92470}{92561}It was kind of sad too, because|the Chinese accused the Tibetans
{92565}{92620}Of being terrorists,|which is weird.
{92623}{92731}A Tibetan terrorist is like an|Amish hacker... It just doesn't fit.
{92734}{92826}And then California went, "we|are gonna boycott Chinese products
{92829}{92898}In sympathy with the|Tibetans. " then they went,
{92901}{92970}"fuck, they make|everything. "
{92973}{93064}And they even make|the "free tibet" stickers,
{93067}{93169}So it's fucking insane.
{93172}{93266}And the weird thing|in the Chinese Olympics,
{93269}{93343}Beijing... One of the most|polluted cities in the world.
{93346}{93423}During the Olympics no pollution.|How did they pull this off?
{93427}{93505}I believe they sent one|billion Chinese into Beijing.
{93508}{93573}Everyone breathe in...
{93739}{93801}One of my favorite events|during the Olympics
{93804}{93879}Was women's gymnastics,|which is kind of a misnomer.
{93883}{93960}These are not women.|These are Shetland females.
{93963}{94031}And some of the events|are a little...
{94034}{94152}Like the uneven parallel bars is|a bit like horizontal pole dancing.
{94155}{94263}It's like, daddy would like to|watch this alone, if you don't mind.
{94266}{94324}And who invented|that event?
{94327}{94383}Was there some German|at a playground going,
{94386}{94462}"here's my idea for girls|in tight clothing...
{94465}{94534}I want you|to put on spandex
{94537}{94585}And then spin around|on the upper bar,
{94588}{94653}And slam your vagina into|the lower bar, spin around.
{94656}{94725}Who's your daddy? Who's|your daddy? Who's your daddy?
{94729}{94776}Spread your legs|and then dismount
{94780}{94852}And make it look|like you had a good time. "
{94855}{94912}What?
{94915}{94971}Weird.
{94975}{95081}And they do all this|incredible stuff.
{95085}{95173}And if their foot goes one inch|to the right, you're fucked!
{95176}{95231}And who invented|the pommel horse?
{95234}{95317}Was it a cowboy with A. D. D. Going,|"I'm on the horse, I'm off the horse,
{95320}{95378}I'm on the horse,|I'm off the horse"?
{95381}{95430}No.
{95433}{95513}My favorite athletes|of any Olympics
{95516}{95572}Are always the African|distance runners.
{95575}{95642}You never have to drug-test|an African distance runner.
{95646}{95751}Are you on drugs?|"no, I'm looking for food. "
{95754}{95867}And I'm sure|in Kenya
{95870}{96012}There's a chicken that runs|a sub-two-hour marathon.
{96016}{96087}You just won the New York|marathon. How do you feel?
{96163}{96211}What did he say?
{96214}{96292}He's wondering where|the Ethiopians are.
{96295}{96362}One of my favorite runners|of all time
{96365}{96446}Was Abebe Bikila. He was|an Ethiopian distance runner
{96449}{96513}And he won the Rome Olympics|running barefoot.
{96516}{96569}He was then sponsored|by Adidas.
{96572}{96624}He ran the next Olympics,
{96627}{96726}He carried|the fucking shoes.
{96729}{96800}No performance enhancement|there, no way.
{96803}{96881}Because always people are looking|for performance enhancement.
{96884}{96971}Cut to the American swim team with|their new porpoise foreskin swimsuits...
{96974}{97060}Full-body condom swimsuits.|What the fuck was going on?
{97064}{97138}These guys were shaved like a|Brazilian hooker to begin with.
{97141}{97250}What was going on?|Was there one pubic hair like...
{97254}{97328}And they put on that|full-body condom...
{97331}{97404}Even the penis is like,|"I'm in here. Help me. "
{97407}{97472}But I realized|the moment you do that...
{97475}{97549}No nutsack drag.
{97552}{97607}You're a Ken doll all of a|sudden. Are you ready to swim?
{97610}{97679}I think so.
{97682}{97766}But no more...|No more nutsack drag.
{97769}{97825}05 nutsack drag|with this.
{97829}{97889}Then you get to the end|of the pool. 05 faster.
{97892}{97960}Why?|No nutsack drag.
{97964}{98013}And the French|got pissed off going,
{98016}{98104}"they have no nutsack drag.|They're cheating. "
{98107}{98212}And Michael Phelps is|on the box of frosted flakes.
{98216}{98272}Then he gets caught|smoking weed
{98276}{98335}And then take him off|the box of frosted flakes.
{98338}{98424}- This is a failure|in marketing, my friends.
{98427}{98532}Listen, if you're basically|having frosted flakes
{98535}{98588}And you're older|than 10 years old
{98592}{98665}And it's after 10:00|in the morning...
{98668}{98752}I'm gonna guess
{98755}{98869}Weed may be involved.
{98872}{98948}And you can't tell me
{98951}{99011}Marijuana is|a performance-enhancing drug.
{99014}{99054}Fuck off.
{99057}{99108}It's only|a performance-enhancing drug
{99112}{99205}If there's a fucking chocolate|bar at the end of the pool.
{99208}{99266}Then even a one-legged|swimmer will go,
{99269}{99322}"I will beat your ass. "
{99325}{99426}But performance enhancement|doesn't always include drugs.
{99429}{99527}Cut to miss Semenya, the South|African middle-distance runner
{99530}{99609}Who turns out to be a he/she.|She's a hermaphrodite.
{99613}{99694}She can have her own biathlon...|Kind of neat.
{99697}{99750}But this is not new.
{99754}{99822}The East Germans used to have|really butch female sprinters.
{99825}{99908}Olga, you just won the 100|meters. How do you feel?
{99911}{99975}"really good
{99978}{100015}Is that a penis?
{100018}{100108}"no, just a very large|clitoris. "
{100180}{100277}And the Germans used to give|their athletes pure fucking speed.
{100280}{100365}They would finish a race going, "Hans,|you just won a race. How do you feel?"
{100369}{100410}"wonderful!
{100414}{100499}But the spiders are|crawling all over me again. "
{100561}{100663}And the one drug they seem to have|the most problem with is steroids.
{100666}{100751}And there are always these poor|fuckers who get caught doing steroids
{100755}{100874}And they deny it, and yet they|look like a Mardi Gras float.
{100877}{100938}Bubba, are you doing|steroids?
{100941}{101009}"no. "
{101012}{101062}Where's your neck?
{101065}{101185}"I haven't seen it|for a while. "
{101188}{101243}What about your balls?
{101246}{101302}"I don't know. "
{101305}{101357}You're taking|horse genome.
{101360}{101429}"no!"
{101432}{101487}No.
{101490}{101573}And it's weird too. Why would|people take steroids in football
{101577}{101632}When in football|the object of the game is
{101635}{101683}To be a big fucking|mountain of flesh
{101687}{101738}Breaking past|another mountain of flesh
{101742}{101817}And grabbing the little guy and|going, "tell me about the rabbits"?
{101820}{101863}That's the game.
{101867}{101923}But maybe if you get caught|doing steroids
{101927}{101970}Instead of kicking you|off the team
{101973}{102050}You have to take another drug|like ecstasy to compensate?
{102054}{102171}It's gonna make the huddles|a lot more fun.
{102174}{102282}You're gonna come|into the huddle like, "hi.
{102285}{102416}Sorry about the long count.|I just felt such love. "
{102419}{102526}And the other drug that people|are doing is human growth hormone.
{102529}{102608}I first heard about human|growth hormone from Nick Nolte
{102611}{102692}Who was telling me the advances|of human growth hormone.
{102695}{102771}He was like, "Robin, human|growth hormone is amazing.
{102774}{102844}It's taking 20...|Argh!"
{102848}{102924}He went fucking stiff|as a board.
{102928}{103008}And I went, "I'll get back|to you, Nick. Good luck. "
{103011}{103066}Insane.